My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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