Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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