absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
