I'm pants shitting drunk right now
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
