Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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