look no pants
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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