just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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