happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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