sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
