im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
