is your mom at the bar?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
