Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
