nut hugger
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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