you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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