have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize