Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I am midnight drunk by noon
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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