i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
