On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
