Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
