MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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