I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
