I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
