I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
