Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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