Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
