help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
