My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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