I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
