I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
