IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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