Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
