I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
