Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
