Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize