STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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