you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
