I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
