Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
