Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
