this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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