so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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