i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
