in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i now understand why vodka
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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