Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
