I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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