please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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