I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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