I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
