next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
