Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
