My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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