my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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