I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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