Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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