there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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