the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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