i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
