Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
