I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
