I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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