I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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