dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
did i walk over a car last night?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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