Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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